Let It Go

No, this isn’t post about the song from Frozen. But I mean, it sort of relates. Same theme, really. Letting go of your fears. Sometimes I feel like Elsa is singing a song I wrote. I digress. This post is about letting go of something I have been carrying around for almost 20 years.

I have my BBA in Real Estate. I don’t know if I have ever shared that on here or not. I have worked in real estate to some capacity since 2005 when I graduated college. Real Estate Marketing is one of the classes I was required to take. This class wasn’t so much about marketing, as it was more about psychology. And my professor had me pegged early on. He was determined to break me. I mean that in a good way. I think he saw my potential, but knew that I was someone who held back. He constantly called me out in front of the whole class, and let me tell you…there were only two real estate professors at UWG at the time. So I had him A LOT throughout my years for different classes. It gave me anxiety when I saw I had to take another class with him, knowing I couldn’t just sit in the back and never talk.

Anyways, the final for Real Estate Marketing is quite terrifying. You have to write out your fears on this wooden board, and break it with your hands in front of the entire class. That is it. If you break the board, you pass. If you don’t…you fail.

I spent some time deciding which of my fears I was willing to share with the class. But I also wanted to be true to myself. My biggest fear was not succeeding. I never felt like I was good enough. Not growing up, not in grade school, not in college, not as I was about to enter the work force. I let fear control so much of me.

I had a breakdown last Thursday. Zoe told me she didn’t like me when I had asked her to help clean up her room, and that was the last thing to push me over the edge. The truth is, it was a long time coming. I am sick of the pandemic, I am sick of the political atmosphere and all the vile hate going around, I am sick of sitting at home and not being able to go places, 6 months of our lives just gone with not much to show for. Knowing that Zoe is our only child, and we only get 18 years with her, and half of one is gone and all of the little things that we missed getting to experience. I just want to hug my mom, invite my sister in my house, see my friends in person, take Zoe to dance and let her have play dates. Those are all the things I thought I was upset about. I cried for awhile for all of those things and then after Zoe went to bed, I poured a drink and went downstairs to hang out with Chris and listen to music to unwind.

Then all the rest came out. I don’t even remember what came up. But then I started talking about all this stuff from the past. And how I get in my own way constantly. And Chris mentioned the board from my Real Estate Marketing final. I went upstairs and got it. I knew exactly where I kept it. I was holding on to it as a reminder, I told myself. But really, I was holding on to it out of fear.

I handed Chris the board and said, “This is everything you need to know about me.” And he looked at it and said, “No it’s not. This isn’t you. I don’t even know this girl.” And I just stared at him. And he told me all the reasons I am none of these things. And that I hold myself back. And he walked towards the trash can with this board and I freaked out and grabbed it back from him and said “What are you doing?!?!?! You cant throw this away!” And he said, “Let it go. This isn’t you anymore. You have been carrying your fears around for 20 years and it is time to let it go.”

I stood there staring at the board for a minute…..and then I trashed it. I am none of those things on that board. And I am going to stop letting my fear, my past, the things I make up in my head, hold me back. There have been a few things I have always wanted to do, and I am going to fucking do them. Because I can. Because if I actually just start doing them, I will succeed. If I stop being afraid and telling myself I cant, and just do it.

So I am putting this out there because you have to stop carrying around your fears. For me, it was quite literally carrying them around physically. I somehow feel lighter knowing that this board isn’t sitting in a drawer in my office.

You are good enough. You can succeed.

Chris made sure to take this bag down to the curb right after I threw it away, knowing like a psycho I could potentially go back and grab it out of the trash can. I watched the next morning as the trash truck came and emptied our can. Having no clue what they were hauling off.