When you are pregnant or have a newborn, you learn very quickly that everyone and their mom wants to impart their wisdom on you. Sometimes the advice is welcomed, but most of the time it isn’t. I am not sure what it is about being pregnant and having babies, but people are so judgy and have an opinion about everything!!!
Before I got pregnant, I had in my mind what it might be like to be pregnant. I knew that it wasn’t always going to be sunshine and rainbows. I had a sneaking suspicion that I wasn’t going to be one of those women that just loved to be pregnant. People would tell me, oh I miss being pregnant! I thought it was total crap. But I get it now.
To be honest, looking back on my whole pregnancy, I was lucky. Sure, the first few months were a little hard because I was a nervous wreck second guessing every cramp or feeling that would be different. I was emotional and tired AF!!! But the middle? It was sort of fun. I got back some of my energy and I really started nesting. I loved the nesting phase, I got a lot of shit done!!! And when I started feeling those baby kicks??? It was the most amazing thing I have ever felt in my life. The last month??? Sucked major balls. Major balls. I was so miserable the last month I honestly didn’t know how I was going to make it most days. I was slammed at work, I felt like shit, I could barely get around, I wasn’t sleeping and I was just ready for baby to get here. And the swelling. Dear Lord, the swelling!!! No one told me that the swelling would actually hurt.
Everyone jokes about how new parents don’t sleep. This is nothing to joke about. The first three weeks were rough with capital woof! I felt like I was constantly feeding, pumping or burping the baby. I couldn’t sleep because the baby wasn’t sleeping much. I couldn’t sleep because I was constantly checking on her to make sure she was ok and breathing. I couldn’t sleep because I knew there was a million things that needed to be done around the house. Do you see where I am going with this? Yes, it is all normal. But what people don’t tell you is how this makes you an emotional basket case. I can’t tell you the number of times I broke down and cried since bringing Zoe home. I thought, why does anyone have a second kid???
Finally, around the fifth week she started sleeping four hours straight in the night and I actually slept. It was like I was a whole new person after three or four days of four hours of sleep! But I was still crying.
Now I cry because I love Zoe so much that it literally hurts.
Now I cry because seven weeks have gone by and she is getting bigger and I already miss how tiny she was just a few weeks before.
Now I cry as I put her newborn sized clothes in a box because she is too long for them.
Now I cry because I have to go back to work and I cant imagine being away from this little girl for even five minutes, yet alone a whole work day.
Now I cry because one day Zoe is going to come home from school upset because someone hurt her feelings.
Now I cry because one day someone is going to break her heart.
Now I cry when I go to pick Zoe up first thing in the morning and her frown turns into a huge smile when she sees me and I think, will she always smile like this when she sees me?
Now I cry because I am a huge sap.
Don’t take this the wrong way. I am the happiest I have ever been in my life, I don’t think I have postpartum depression or anything like that. I think this is just the way all new moms probably feel? The thing is, people don’t talk about this. No one told me I was going to cry this much!!! Ok, that isn’t true. Laura actually warned me that this was going to happen, but she was the only one!
I know before I got pregnant I thought that going back to work wouldn’t be that big of a deal. That I would probably look forward to the break during the day and adult interaction. I don’t feel that way at all. Before I got pregnant, I didn’t understand how women could say that they missed being pregnant. I thought, who would miss being that large and uncomfortable. But now I know that amazing connection that only you have with your baby as you carry it for 40 weeks and feel the heartbeat from within. Feel the kicks, the punches, the rolls, the hiccups.
I sat in the chair last night rocking my hiccuping Zoe to sleep, crying because it reminded me of how her hiccups felt inside my tummy. You know, because crying is just a part of life now.
But you guys, this smile….
17 Comments
This is so sweet, and all the stuff that terrifies me about having children. I will be thinking about you when you go back to work! Cannot imagine how tough that will be. And her smile makes me melt!!
Everyone always tells you how wonderful everything is, and it is, but a lot of people always leave out the very emotional dealings with the process. It is hard to watch them grow up, and hard to leave them always. I promise it will get easier — it never gets easy, but definitely easier. 🙂 Love you!
oh, you turn into a complete pussy after you have a child. i think it’s nature’s way of ensuring that you turn soft so you don’t chuck your kid out the door when she’s crying or not sleeping or crying AND not sleeping and it’s 3am and omfg this isn’t cute anymore because it’s IT’S 3AM and this shit has been going on for months now can you just fucking sleep?! I say this jokingly but also in truth.
Yes to every single thing here!!! I cried nonstop when Caleb was first born. I went to the doctor because it felt like PPD, though he assured me it was normal Baby Blues and hormone related. I was a wreck and felt so relieved when it finally lifted.
Like you, before he was born, I thought I’d be totally fine going to work. It ended up being very emotional of course though. It’ll be tough at first but it DOES get better. For the most part, I’m glad now that I’m back working. 🙂
Her smile is the absolute cutest- such a sweetie. I love your sweet posts about her, you’re the cutest Mom!!
Gah, I cry all the time now. I can only imagine the waterworks when we have kids… UGH.
You’re doing great! And her smiles are so cute and ornery! I’m so glad motherhood is a fun, meaningful transition for you!
Yes, yes and yes to all of this! It’s so hard to describe it until you’re actually there and have that newborn. And I know exactly what you mean you’re the happiest you’ve ever been but yet there’s that struggle inside and sometimes you just want to scream. But then these precious little moments happen and you look at that face and you’re like this is it, this is what it supposed to be this is what being a mama is and there’s really no one that can tell you no matter what advice they give you how you were really feel. Beautiful post!
So sitting here at 13 weeks pregnant (and just finally starting to feel better after a pretty rough couple of months), this post naturally made me cry. Because hello, hormones. But it’s good to be prepared for what’s coming and good to hear how much you love that little girl even when you were so tired all you could do was cry. You got this, momma! You’re doing great!
I think I cry more now that she’s older than I did when she was an infant. She was a super easy baby, and I know I’m lucky, but some days it was just about getting through and there was no time to think about all that stuff. Now I have more time and all the thoughts creep in.
She is just so cute! I’ve heard so many horror stories of the things people say to people when they’re pregnant or new moms– I can’t even imagine! Thank you for sharing all of this so honestly!
Honest to goodness, pregnancy is one of those things you don’t fully appreciate until after the baby is born, and then you’re like oh I miss those little kicks. I definitely could live without all the comments while you’re pregnant on your weight and doing things this way or that. It’s very frustrating. lol
OMG yes. I have never cried more in my entire life than those first few weeks (okay months lol). I definitely think I had the baby blues though and it was rough there for a while – I posted about it if you want to check it out! That smile melts me. She is adorable!!! Wish we could have play dates with our girls!
Gosh, it’s dusty in here…
This is the sweetest and most honest post, can I just co-sign all of it? These sweet little angels are a miracle, and they continue to steal our hearts more and more each day <3
‘Now I cry because I am a huge sap.’ oh great. i’m already a huge sap. so. i’m gonna be a mess is what you’re saying 😉
time has flown by! she is such a sweetie. i hope going back to work isn’t *too* horrible.
No shame at all in being emotional, especially in a good way. She’s a sweetheart!
All the things I wish I had known, but at the same time.. even knowing ahead of time wouldn’t have helped. I used to cry the first few weeks all the time. I felt sad and overwhelmed and I was so glad when the sadness was mostly gone. Now, like you said, I cry because she’s so perfect and how can I ever leave her. I’m starting a new job Monday, so I’ll be a wreck right with you. Zoe is so so adorable. We just got that same book today. So far, it’s a hit.