The Twelve Pains of Christmas

When I was younger, my dad bought the Bob Rivers Twisted Christmas CD. If you have never heard of these CD’s before, do yourself a favor and give them a listen. Seriously! They are pretty epic. Basically the songs are either original Christmas songs that have been changed, or regular songs that have been made into Christmas songs. In his later CD’s he even has songs with titles such as “What If Eminem Did Jingle Bells” and “Be Claus I Got High.” If you aren’t one for traditional Christmas music, perhaps you would like these songs. I think even the Grinch would enjoy a few!

The first two CD’s are my favorite. Just the best. There is Jingle Hells Bells (to the ACDC song) an electric guitar rendition of Joy to the World, a song called “Didn’t I Get This Last Year,” a dog lovers classic “Yellow Snow” and my number one Christmas dance tune “Buttcracker Suite” (like the nutcracker song.) My favorite memories of all of these songs though comes from The Twelve Pains of Christmas. Obviously, like the Twelve Days of Christmas.

You see, my dad has a short temper. so when he got frustrated with things…some bad words would loudly fly. One of the most frustrating things for anyone at Christmas is the lights. Even with our tree pre-lit I have trouble every single year with the same damn strand. Every year Chris has to come to my rescue before I go over the edge. You would think with the same problem each year,  I would learn my lesson. The definition of insanity speaks of just this, doesn’t it? Anyways, my dad used to get so pissed getting the lights out. They would be tangled. Some strands wouldn’t light at all, others would blink when they weren’t supposed to. If one light goes out, they all go out. That sort of thing. Then you need extension cords, and bulbs and it can be a pain.

Not everyone finds joy in everything Christmas. The song The Twelve Pains of Christmas covers the twelve top things that people hate about Christmas. While I don’t agree with most of them because I love Christmas…..I can see why these things could be a pain.

The first thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Is finding a Christmas tree

The second thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The third thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fourth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The fifth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Five months of bills
Sending Christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The sixth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills
“I hate those Christmas cards!”
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights
And finding a Christmas tree

The seventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Salvation Army
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills
Sending Christmas cards
“Aw geez”
“I’m trying to rig up these lights!”
And finding a Christmas tree

The eighth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
“I want ant farmer for Christmas”
“Charities, and what do you mean your inlaws?”
Five months of bills
“Ah, mailing out these cards!”
“Edith, get me a beer, huh!”
“What, we have no extension chord?!?”
And finding a Christmas tree

The ninth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Finding parking spaces
“Daddy, I want some candy!”
“Donations!”
Facing my in-laws
Five months of bills
“Writing up those Christmas cards”
Hangovers
“Now why the hell are they blinking?”
And finding a Christmas tree

The tenth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Batteries not included
No parking spaces
“Buy me something!”
“Get a job ya bum!”
Facing the inlaws
Five months of bills
“Yo ho, sending Christmas cards”
“Ah geez, look at this!”
“One light goes out, they all go out!”
And finding a Christmas tree

The eleventh thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Stale TV specials
Batteries not included
No parking spaces
“I gotta go to the bathroom”
Charities
“She’s a witch, I hate her!”
Five months of bills
“Oh, I don’t even know half these people!”
“Who’s got the toilet paper?”
“Get a flashlight, I blew a fuse!”
And finding a Christmas tree

The twelfth thing at Christmas that’s such a pain to me
Singing Christmas Carols
Stale TV specials
Batteries not included
No parking
“Waaah!”
Charities
Gotta make ’em dinner
Five months of bills
“I’m not sending them, Mister, that’s it!”
“Shut up, you!”
“Fine, you’re so smart, you rig up the lights!”
And finding a Christmas tree

Just You Tube the song….listening to all the voices makes it ten times better, I promise!!!!

First Pain – Finding a Christmas Tree

We have an artificial tree, but I would imagine cutting down the tree, tying the tree to your car and trying to carry it in to your house is a huge pain in the ass. Plus the needles make a mess.

Second Pain-Ringing up the lights

I already discussed this…HUGE pain!

Third Pain – Hangovers

Yes, if we over indulge in our holiday beverages it is going to hurt! Especially since I am not getting any younger. Hangovers are a bitch that slaps us in the face and reminds us we aren’t 21 anymore.

Forth Pain – Sending Christmas Cards

I avoided this one this year by just not doing them. LOL. While I love to receive them, I sure do hate the process of writing something special in each one, addressing all the envelopes…and standing in line at the post office for the darn Christmas tree stamps. Why must I have cute stamps?

Fifth Pain – Five months of bills

While I love to give presents, that shit gets expensive. I am not going to go in debt for five months over it…but still!

Sixth Pain – Facing the In-laws

I love my in-laws so I don’t really have a problem with this, but I know that I am lucky in that department and LOTS of people hate having to deal with certain family members. Especially around the holidays.

Seventh Pain – Salvation Army/Charities

I already have certain people/organizations that I give to. While I appreciate all the hard work people do to volunteer to collect money….ringing that damn bell at me when I am trying to enter a store is NOT going to convince me to give you money. Sorry. And don’t look at me with those judgy eyes while do so either!

Eighth Pain – Kids -Shopping with them, having to hear them whine in stores

For the love…if your kid is throwing a tantrum fit in a store and knocking down 30 boxes….take them to the restroom and spank them! I know it can be frustrating. Its crowded, they are whining that they want everything, you are all tired….but I don’t want to have to hear it when I am trying to get my shopping done too! Teach them how to behave like humans in public. Dont let them run free. My parents controlled me and my sister in public with no problems. Why cant you?

Ninth Pain- Parking

Good lord. Entering the parking lot in a shopping center is like entering the Hunger Games. I hate crowds. I hate wasting time sitting in my car. It is awful and miserable and no one wants to do it. Hello Amazon! Problem solved.

Tenth Pain – Batteries not included

Aint that some shit? You just spend $50 on this plastic toy made in china that cost $3 to make…and they cant even give you batteries!? I am pretty sure when I was younger my parents spend half of Christmas day putting together toys and finding the right batteries for the right stuff. What a pain!

Eleventh Pain – Stale TV Specials

Can we maybe play another movie other than a Christmas Story for 24 hours? Please?

Twelfth Pain  – Singing Christmas Carols

Sorry, I love Christmas music! Sing away!

Why didn’t they have one about doing all the dishes or having to go to the gym for a year after all the treats you ate?

What are some pains to you during the holidays?