Sh!t Chris Says

It is time for another installment of SHIT CHRIS SAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

–We were watching the episode of Friends where the landlord talks Joey in to dancing with him so the girls don’t get kicked out of their apartment. Chris says, “They have ample room between them. Maybe that’s why they call it ‘ballroom’ dancing.”

–Chris goes out back to cut the grass and comes back in ten minutes later and says “Life’s too short, pay someone!!!”

–Chris with our swan float at the pool, “Stop looking at me swan!!!”

I lost it. LOST IT!

By the way, that swan float took four adults and one six year old about 45 minutes to deflate. We were literally dog piled on top each other squeezing our areas while one person held the safety valve to let the air back out. LAWD!

–While watching an episode of Law and Order SVU…

Chris: “The only crime I see is your turtle neck.”

–It is rare that Chris and I have lunch together during the week. He works 30 minutes away from me. We got to enjoy Which Which one day together after a doctor appointment. We were people watching while we ate and Chris made a comment about this guy’s ridiculous outfit. He said,” What did he do lose a bet??? He was probably like ‘Pulling. It. Off.’ this morning before he left his house. And his mom says ‘No you aren’t!’ Because he lives in her basement”

And there you have it folks. A sprinkle of the funny shit Chris has said the last month.

It is time for another installment of SHIT CHRIS SAYS!!!!

Me: Did you see my post today? It was another Shit Chris Says.

Chris: Yeah, I was kind of disappointed. I have said way better shit over the last few months and your post should have been much longer.

Me: Ummmm I can’t post most of that shit on the internet!!! Most of the time my response to your shenanigans is “What is wrong with you!?!?!?!” My internet friends would question my life choices.

Mac is barking incessantly outside and Chris pauses the TV show we are watching and says, “Can you bring Adolf Barkler inside please?!?!?!”

A Just Fab shoe commercial comes on and Chris’s response to a pair of shoes goes a little something like this….”Those are ho-ho-rrendous.”

We decide to start watching Season 2 of Bloodline. The recap from the first season is on.

Chris: Basically we didn’t need to watch that entire first season, we could have gotten everything we needed to know in that recap. Literally nothing else happened.

Me: So do you not want to watch the second season?

Chris: Oh no, we are going to watch it. And get disappointed wasting 12 hours of our lives.

Andrea did a fun little how well do you know the mr post awhile back and when I was reading her post, I started answering the questions for Chris in my head. Thought I would share it with you all and I will report back with how many I got right!

3.  What’s one food he doesn’t like? Olives

4.  You go out to eat and have a drink; what does he order? Either an IPA ,  scotch ale or Kentucky bourbon beer, or some type of bourbon and coke.

5.  Where did he go to high school? I know the answer to this question but I am not going to share it for all the internet to see. Gotta respect his privacy.

6.  What is his nickname for you? We don’t really have nicknames for each other. Sometimes we refer to each other as baby, but usually that is in text or me babying him when he doesn’t feel good.

7.  If he was to collect anything, what would it be? Together we collect video games and have a pretty dope collection!!! He also has a collection of Amiibos and random computer things.

8.  What would he eat every day if he could? Hmmmm his favorite foods are lasagna, chicken Parmesan, and pork medallions. Though I don’t know that he would want them every day!

9.  What is his favorite cereal? I have never seen him eat cereal the entire time I have known him. He is  more of a bacon, sausage, eggs and biscuits kind of guy.

10. What would he never wear? Probably an Auburn shirt! Gross.

11. What is his favorite sports team? Alabama ROLL TIDE!

12. Who did he vote for? Not Obama!!!

13. Who is his best friend? I would like to say me.. But he would probably say Jay or John. Or Mac, our dog. LOL!

14. What do you do that bothers him? He doesn’t like to hear food crunching sounds so anything crunchy annoys the shit out of  him. No matter how politely I chew. Also, my indecisiveness drives him batty. Sorry!

15. What is his heritage? Hmmm Irish? Some other stuff too.

16. You bake him a cake for his birthday; what kind of cake? Cookie Cake! But I get that from the American Cookie Company.

17. Did he play sports in high school? No, he was a gamer. He won lots of awards with that!! I think he played basketball a little bit in middle school though?

18. What could he spend hours doing? Messing around on the computer, listening to music and TV binging.

 19. How does he make you feel special? He is always pushing and encouraging me to try to be better as far as life goals go. He is also very thoughtful when it comes to birthday and Christmas cards and presents.  

20. What is one unique talent he has? I have literally witnessed him in a random break dancing competition in a club in Atlanta one night when we were out and it was pretty epic! He is also a fabulous DJ, even if he has hung up his headphones professionally.

It has been awhile since we had an installment of Sh!t Chris Says!!! Mainly because I am laughing too hard to actually remember to make a note of the gold material he produces. And also because some of the shit he says I cant share here in fear that you all would judge me for my life choices. Haha!

–We are watching a show and Chris puts his hands up to his mouth and makes a long, weird sound.

Me: WTF was that????

Chris: It’s the douchenado siren

–I grabbed two bottles of men’s scented anti-bacterial soap on clearance at Bath and Body Works. I come out to the car where Chris is waiting…

Me: Here I got you some anti-bac soap to keep in your car. It was on sale for 44 cents!!!

Chris: Awesome, thanks.

Chris proceeds to open it and use some…

Chris: What is this scent?? It smells like I jacked off a 1994 Structure Model.

–A car flies past us on the interstate going at least 100 miles per hour.

Chris: Was that Mr Spacely?

(That’s a Jetson’s reference for those of you too young to have watched the show!)

–We are watching an episode of PLL…

Chris: WTF just happened??

I explain what I think just went down. (Don’t want to have any spoilers if you haven’t seen the last episode yet!!!)

Chris: Oh ok. I was waiting on Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine to solve the mystery.

It is time folks. Time for another edition of Sh!t Chris Says!!!!

–While watching a football game, the Afflac Duck comes on.  Chris -“Remember when the duck broke his beak. It’s the only time I went online to see more of an ad. I even wrote him a get well card.”

–After a shot of the crowd at an Alabama game – “Is that girl praying?! Like God really cares about football. God probbaly hates football season and Alabama fans. He’s like ‘I gave you Saban, leave me alone!!!!'”

–While watching an episode of The Mindy Project, Mindy is wearing a sweat pants suit to work. She says, “This is the only thing that fits me in my current state.” Chris screams at the TV, “You can’t sit with us!!!” (Mean Girls reference!!!)

–While watching the recent SNL episode with Miley Cyrus…..this one…..

Chris says, “I don’t understand? I need a piano with spaghetti noodles!!!”

(Do you northern folks even see these commercials or is it reserved for the deep south?)

–The Farmer’s dating site commercial comes on while we are watching the Alabama vs Tennessee game. They get to the part where the catchy song starts. Chris sings along with his own version, “You don’t have to be lonely at cousinsonly.com. Go Vols!”

–Chris: “There’s nothing like slamming down a phone on someone. You can’t do that anymore with cell phones. I guess you could just scream CLICK!!!!!! before hanging up.”

He makes an excellent point! He has also been randomly screaming click at the TV when people are on their cell phones….

You can read the last round of little gems that Chris said here.